Never again

Just got my paper work in the mail, signed by the judge. As of March 28th I've been officially divorced.. two days before the one year of me living in my car.  I'm never getting married again. Yes, I'm jaded.

One last physical

At the beginning of this semester, my instructors briefly made mention that they encourage us to book personal observations while we are still students and still have that opportunity. I wouldn't have taken them seriously had I not marched in the office of the nursing chair and confessed how bored I was with everything and begged to do just one clinical day in the emergency room.  That's when she started putting ideas in my head. My first choice was, of course, to do a fly along on a chopper. Then I decided that I'll have plenty of time for that since it's what I want to do with my nursing career. I do have an underlying love for forensics. Before trauma came into my life, I used to want to be some sort of forensic nurse. I can work with that. So, I booked an autopsy and got to see FOUR cases! I'm pretty sure I have some sort of post traumatic something, but it was still cool as hell!

Chivalry is dead

Today's snow storm (of course it being the day the "last" day of winter) didn't stop me from making the trek to the court house to begin the process of moving forward with the divorce.  I took it a lot better than I thought I was going to.  The whole thing went relatively well.. until he pissed me off, on the way out of the building, when he let the door go and it almost hit me in the face.  And of course the Stacieism that fell out of my face this time was, "I guess chivalry is fucking dead."  Would those of you who know me, expect anything other than that?  I didn't think so.

Reassure me

Today is the last day of classes before spring break.  Only eight more weeks left of school.  I can't believe this journey is almost over!  I'm looking forward to the last weeks of med-surge.  I found out from the head of the nursing program that if I can arrange a medflight observation during the remainder of the semester, I can do that instead of going to clinical at the hospital for a day.  I also have the opportunity to shadow a nurse in ICU/CCU.  I have some good opportunities available and I hope that I'm able to take full advantage of them.  I'm bored and I want to do something in school that will reassure me of my plans for my future nursing career.  I'm excited and I can't wait to be done!!

It's time for letting go and moving on..

The falling apart of everything in my life is, slowly, coming to end. I'm feeling surprisingly confident and optimistic about the things to come.. including this year.  I'm finally rediscovering the person I once was and the happiness I once had.  I'm learning the beauty of letting go.  With the divorce process finally set into motion, I started to think about my last name.  Do I keep it or go back to my maiden name?  The whole identity change process is such a pain in the ass.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  However, I compromised who I am waay too many times in order to maintain the love and affection from another individual.  An individual who then kicked me out the door without any hesitation.
My last semester of nursing school also started this week.  This means I will graduate in just a few months.  I hit rock bottom during this journey but continued to work my ass off in order to achieve what I want.  I want to be proud of my college diploma.  Which is exactly why I have made a promise to myself to graduate with my maiden name.  I want to move on from this painful ending with a smile on my face and head held high.  I want my diploma to inspire and excite me about the future that I can and will have, rather than remind me of my painful past.

2012: A painful journey and road to recovery.

 

Although I'm anxious about what lies ahead, I'm relieved that 2012 will soon be in the past. I'm ready to get off this emotional rollercoaster ride. I know that everything has happened for a reason even though I have yet to figure out what those reasons are.  What I do know is that 2012 has taught me more about myself than any other year.  With the door closing on the this chapter of my life, I have done more reflecting and soul searching than I ever have before in hopes that I'll finally find peace within myself. And as much as I want to forget everything about this past year, I know it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Hoping that this will help me heal, I'm ready to open my heart to anyone who cares.

In 2012..
I felt: Loved by people who know nothing about me, Hated by those closest to me, Rejected by the people I care so deeply about, Used by those who I've tried to help, Betrayed by the people I once trusted, Lonely although not alone, Hurt by those who promised to protect me from pain, and Worthless to myself.

I had: Everything and nothing but never at the same time, Determination when life got too hard, Motivation when I wanted to give up, Pity on those who tried to break me down because they couldn't handle their own struggles.

I wanted: Revenge on everyone who hurt me, to be Held when I couldn't stand to look at my own reflection, to Give up when I was too tired to keep fighting.

I lost: Faith in myself when I failed to live up to my own expectations of myself.

I found: the Strength to wake up each morning and continue living even when I had nothing left to live for.

I regret: Giving so much of myself to those who didn't deserve it.

I learned: to Guard my heart because no one else will and I'm worth so much more than being repeatedly hurt, the people I would take a Bullet for were the ones behind the trigger, that I can't Expect things to be the same after so much has changed, that Healing is not an overnight process and that it's a daily cleansing of pain, that Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny, Failure will keep me humble, Success will keep me glowing, New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings, Challenges make life interesting and overcoming them makes life meaningful, to not allow myself to get Burned twice by the same flame, and to keep on Dreaming even if it breaks my heart.

I hope: to find Happiness in the future.

Another day, another year

 

Another day is almost over and I'm another year older.  The entire week leading up to today has sucked ass, kind of like the last eleven months of my life.  Papa was admitted to the hospital again last week. After ten years of hard work, I quit my job.  Walking out of that place with my head held high and my personal integrity seemed like the better road to take.  Meanwhile, Tony knew about all of this going on in my life, and he found that it was an appropriate time to ask me how I'd feel if he started dating someone.  Personally, I don't care at this point considering it's the same reason why everything fell apart back in January.  I just didn't want to hear about it at this point in time because it's just one more shitty thought that's going to bounce around in my head for hours upon hours, sinking me deeper and deeper into this sea of depression that I'm struggling to get myself out of lately.  And of course I spent my birthday at clinical again this year while mother nature switched it up a little bit and brought me some snow.  Oh yeah, and I'm basically getting kicked out again, only this time Tony was nice enough to give me a warning.  He can't afford this place so he's going to find somewhere smaller and cheaper to live after the semester is over.  I sure as hell can't afford this place on my own, so now I'm screwed.  Once the semester is over I will have to hunt for a job while I look for a roof to put over my head with no money.  Awesome, just where I wanted to be in life at 28 years old.. sitting alone in this cold, quiet apartment with nothing left to hold on to.