Another day, another year

 

Another day is almost over and I'm another year older.  The entire week leading up to today has sucked ass, kind of like the last eleven months of my life.  Papa was admitted to the hospital again last week. After ten years of hard work, I quit my job.  Walking out of that place with my head held high and my personal integrity seemed like the better road to take.  Meanwhile, Tony knew about all of this going on in my life, and he found that it was an appropriate time to ask me how I'd feel if he started dating someone.  Personally, I don't care at this point considering it's the same reason why everything fell apart back in January.  I just didn't want to hear about it at this point in time because it's just one more shitty thought that's going to bounce around in my head for hours upon hours, sinking me deeper and deeper into this sea of depression that I'm struggling to get myself out of lately.  And of course I spent my birthday at clinical again this year while mother nature switched it up a little bit and brought me some snow.  Oh yeah, and I'm basically getting kicked out again, only this time Tony was nice enough to give me a warning.  He can't afford this place so he's going to find somewhere smaller and cheaper to live after the semester is over.  I sure as hell can't afford this place on my own, so now I'm screwed.  Once the semester is over I will have to hunt for a job while I look for a roof to put over my head with no money.  Awesome, just where I wanted to be in life at 28 years old.. sitting alone in this cold, quiet apartment with nothing left to hold on to.

Stay strong

Yup. Right in the middle of working on my nursing careplans and didn't even bat an eyelash. In fact, I'm already over it.

You don't get to roll over and die, not this time.

 

If my own family doesn't stress me out enough, between health issues and deaths, my patients will gladly fill in for them.  Tonight I helped take care of a lady (who was only 10 years my senior) and she was very critcal condition, to the point where I was even scared as to which direction the situation was going to go in.  This lady looked me right in the eyes, as I was leaning over her to hook up the cardiac monitor, and said, "If I die, please tell my husband and my baby that I love them." It felt like someone punched me right in the gut and knocked the wind right out of me. I didn't know what to say to her. I found myself struggling to collect some sort of words in my head that would just fall out of my face in an effort to reassure this woman that everything was going to be okay. I couldn't agree to do what this lady was asking of me so that she could just give up, roll over, and die. Not this time, not on our watch. If I'm willing to fight to save her then she has to do the same, because even in the darkest of moments, there is always hope. So how did I handle the situation? I went all Grey's Anatomy on her ass with, "No, I won't do that, because you are going to be okay and you are going to tell them yourself. They would rather hear it from you, not me."  And then I crossed my fingers and prayed that those last words I said to her, wouldn't be a lie.
When nursing school starts to overwhelm me and giving up starts to sound more and more like a better idea.. it's the moments like this that remind me of why I started this journey in the first place. I will not let fear of failure consume me. I will live out my calling.

Three places at one time

The story of my life. Two funerals, on the same day, with an MD appointment to go to in between it all. Being in three different places at roughly the same time isn't easy and I did the best that I could. Rest in peace my loved ones, you are forever relieved from your suffering.

Beautiful people don't just happen.

The most beautiful people we know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people don't just happen. They are molded by hardships and always find the strength to go on.

I'm screwed

 

 

I'm getting far too old for this whole lack of sleep business. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go back to school? I should've had this shit done a long, long time ago when I was too young to be responsible and still had an immune system that was willing to work on a regular basis. Now I'm battling pneumonia along with full time work and full time school.. and we're only three weeks into the semester. Yeah, I'm screwed. But I'm not giving in and grabbing my ankles quite yet.

My life is so vanilla

Today was the first day of nursing school, as a senior, and the last day of purple hair. I am currently experiencing a little bit of situational depression.

 

I can pull off almost anything, but it doesn't mean I'll enjoy such a vanilla life. I already miss being rainbow brite :(