Milestones

It's crazy looking back on my life and realizing how far I have come and how much I have overcome to get to where I am. Almost two years ago I started my two month gypsy couch tour and tomorrow will be one year that I have officially been divorced. I graduated nursing school with honors despite the chaos in my life, I started my first RN job, and I have a great boyfriend who loves me at my best and loves me even more when I'm at my worst. We have our ups and downs but we always manage to get through it together. A couple of doors may have closed in my life, but so many more have opened up for me and there's nothing I can't accomplish. 

Dear Amazing Girl

 

"Dear Amazing Girl,

You may have forgotten some things along the way, but that doesn't mean it's all over. There is so much time left and today is a brand new day to begin your brand new life. You may have just forgotten how strong you are. You may have forgotten that you had dreams once that were real and compelling.. and even though they didn't come true right when you thought they would.. it doesn't mean that those dreams weren't real or that they didn't matter. Sometimes we just don't have the timing quite right.. and sometimes our dreams come true in ways that are different than what we imagined they would be.

You are still in there, dear girl. You may be covered up with painful memories and experiences, but you are still in there. You are worth rescuing out of the heaps of confusion and apathy and disillusionment. You are worth rescuing yourself and remembering all that you are, all that you always were, and all that you are meant to become.

The first thing you have to do is decide, though. It might be a long road ahead and it might be shorter than you thought it would be too. Today would be a great day to decide that no matter how long the road is.. you are going to come home to yourself and live the happy life that is meant for you. No one else can decide this for you. Please please please do it, sweet friend. Today is a great day to decide.

 

You are so very loved,

xoxo"

Stop doing this to yourself!

 

I came across this really good read the other day on facebook. What's ironic is that I rarely check out links that are shared on facebook and my last post is titled after a Maria Robinson quote which is also used in the opening paragraph of this good read. In short, if you want to transform yourself, you need to stop doing these things to yourself!
1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
2. Stop running from your problems.
3. Stop lying to yourself.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.
5. Stop trying to be someone you're not.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.
11. Stop being idle.
12. Stop thinking you're not ready.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn't work.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else.
16. Stop being jealous of others.
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.
18. Stop holding grudges.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
28. Stop worrying so much.
29. Stop focusing on what you don't want to happen.
30. Stop being ungrateful.

No one can start over and make a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

               

I've had many ups and downs over the last couple of months since finishing school and passing my nursing boards. I've had more downs than ups though. I've moved back in with my parents, which is where no 28 year old wants to be, but I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and I'm not living in a car again. I'm still looking for an RN job and the fact that I am having such a hard time getting one has gotten me really discouraged and has sent me into a depression. It's been one week since I've started my BSN and once again the relationship I was in has crashed hard and burst into flames. I take full responsibility for it though. I started drinking pretty much every night, not thinking that I had a problem. I figured, when I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is reach for a drink, that's when I will have a problem. But I was wrong. Drinking heavily just about every night, on top of being depressed, turned me into a very ugly person. I have said hurtful things to people I care about and have pushed away the people who care about me. My ex likes to tell me that's a little too late to change and he can't take it any more. I can't say I blame him, but I also believe differently. It's never too late to change. And that's exactly what I intend to do. I am determined to find happiness in my life again. I need to get off this busted up, beaten path that I am currently traveling on. School, my dogs, and not giving up on finding a job are my priorities now. And how the hell can I stay on top of things if I'm drunk every night? He may never want anything to do with me again, but at least I'll be a changed, better person if someone else happens to come into my life and I thank my ex for making me realize that I need to make changes in my life. But as of right now, love and romance is on the back burner. I need to focus on being a better me and the things that matter most in my life. I can and I will do this. One step at a time.

Large windshield, small rearview

Looking back on my life over the last couple of years, I have realized who I am truly thankful for. If it wasn't for these people, I never would have survived. I find it amazing that sometimes, in the most crowded of rooms, I can still feel so alone. Yet these people, to be mentioned, have always been in the back of mind, no matter how little hope I had left, they were always there for me. Wanting nothing more than to see me succeed. Some folks have photos and some don't, and I know I will (unintentionally) leave some people out, so please don't take offense if I do not list you in this posting. I know there were more people waiting to see me succeed than there were who were waiting for me to fail.

In all fairness, it starts off with the two human beings who gave me life. The two people who never wanted anything but the best for me. Although I was the middle child, the black sheep, I was their first to actually graduate with a degree. Due to personal reasons, I just recently had to move back in with them. They have been nothing but supportive. They took my dog in and watched him for me when I wasn't allowed to have him where I was staying. They paid for me to take my boards as well as reciprocity in another state. They have bent over backwards for me and I appreciate them far more than they will ever know. I love you mom and dad!!

 

Robyn, one of the best carpool buddies ever. Not enough coffee in the morning as we waited for stop signs to turn green on early morning drives to clinical. Her cheery disposition (although some days was too much for me to handle) kept me going when things got rough. She made quite the study buddy and always fed my face since I was always too broke to do it myself. I love her to death.

Honey badger don't give a shit. Melissa went above and beyond and took me in when I spent the night in my car with one of my dogs because once again, I wasn't allowed to have him where I was staying. I am determined person and don't give up on what matters most to me. Her adorable 2 year old has given me the nickname "Kiki" which I wouldn't mind holding onto that for the rest of my life. She put up with me, a puppy, and took care of her own child. It takes a special kind of person to do that and she will forever hold a place in my heart.

 

My sister, who could never be here for me in person, was always just a phone call away when I needed someone to talk some sense into me.. especially when I felt like giving up on anything and everything. Those phone calls and face timings mean more to me than she will ever know and I can't wait until I can see her in person again. She's the other half of my heart and I would be lost without her in my life. Although I posted a graduation "selfie" photo, pay close attention to my tassels. My sister could, once again, not be there in person  so I went out and got a charm that says "Sisters" and attached it to one of my tassels so that I could at least have her there in spirit. That's how much she means to me and how often I think about her. I love you sis!

 



My two little brown boys. My babies, since I don't have kids and most likely never will. But there's no reason to get into those details on this kind of post. These two dogs are my world and they are pretty much all I have left. I am determined to give them the best life possible and spoil the rotten shit out of them. They had just a tad bit reasoning behind my motivation and determination to get through school. Reunited and it feels so good. Whoever said diamonds are a girl's best friend, obviously never owned a dog.

I know that this is a little too late, considering his whole family hates me and he was torn apart feeling like he had to choose between me or them.. so I made it easy for him. I made the decision and walked out of his life last night. There's a giant hole in my heart now that will take quite a bit of time to heal, but I can't disclose him from this post. He took me in and gave me a place to stay so that I wasn't living in a car again. He loved me, he cared about me. He stopped me from pulling all of my hair out when school and life became too stressful for me to handle. He tolerated my mood swings. We had our good days and bad days.. but clearly I had far too many bad days and his family thinks I use that to throw a pity party for myself. No pity party here. I lived in a car for two solid months and still passed my classes while dealing with the sketchiness that came with it all, especially forgetting to lock the car doors at night when it was time to sleep. He made me feel loved and he made me feel safe. And there's nothing I can do to ever repay him for that. I will always care deeply about him regardless of how things have just turned out between us.

 



I'm thankful for the beauty of all that nature has to offer. The places that I can go to do some real soul searching and collect my thoughts and analyze my life. I never thought I'd see the day when my life would depend on the morning sun.

The car you drive has a large windshield, but only a relatively small rearview mirror. The implication is obvious: What happened in your past is not nearly as important as what is in your future. Where you are going is much more important than where you've been.

 

 

~Strength and determination never comes natural, it's something you choose*

Stacie, R.N.

 

This is the face of long nights filled with hard work and all of life's funny little challenges, struggles, and triumphs.  This is the face of a newly licensed Registered Nurse.  I survived and then I conquered.  I have wanted this for so long.. and so I did it.  I've been through hell and back since the start of nursing school and the biggest lesson I have learned is that if you want something bad enough, don't let anything stand in your way and just do it.  You will never know what you are capable of unless you try.  Time to move forward, get a nurse job, and go back to school this fall for my BSN.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. I couldn't have done it without you!

I survived.

I can't believe that I am graduating. I did it.. I survived the trials and triumphs of nursing school while my entire life was falling apart. I look back on it now and I find humor in the irony of doing my psych clinical rotation at the same time all the personal BS in my life began. I like to think that it was therapeutic for me and maybe I wouldn't have survived my shit show of a life if I hadn't been in nursing school.. maybe I would've downed my two bottles of freshly refilled medication on one of those many lonely nights that I sat in my car and contemplated doing it. Somehow I found it in me to keep on going. To wake up and try to survive all over again until nightfall when I would sit in my car face to face with such an easy way out. I know people were watching and waiting for me to fail. And I know that some people are bitter that I didn't fall flat on my face. And graduating with honors is just icing on the cake.