Mental Health Week

I'm on vacation! Not that I have anywhere exciting to go or anything special to do. I put in for vacation thinking that I would be working bike week again this year, until I signed up for summer classes. Knowing how important it is that I hurry up and finish school, I decided to skip out on bike week after my vacation had already been approved. I tried to take it back but the nurse who does the schedule wouldn't let me. She told me that I work really hard and now with the added stress of school I need to atleast use this as a mental health week. I suppose she is right. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I can only study for so long before I start to go crazy. And since it IS bike week the weather has been rainy and crappy so I can't even go to the beach and relax. Today I get to pick my brother up from work in an hour and then take him with me to go visit our grandparents. Then when I drop him off at home I have to bring one of my mom's dogs to the groomer and pick him up when he's ready. Then I get to come back home and do some laundry and cleaning... then some more studying. Something tells me that this vacation is going to be a waste of earned time.

Procrastination Station

It's that time again. Back to school today. I don't feel as though I'm ready for it. To be honest.. I'm actually really nervous to be taking A&P II. Especially with a different teacher. I'm afraid that this one may not offer chances for extra credit like my A&P I teacher did. Extra credit is what got me an A.
I also know that I won't be able to visit Aunt Marie that much over the summer while going to school three nights a week and working full time. And that breaks my heart. I'm just so afraid she's going to think that I don't care about her anymore. I just know that I can't afford to fail school. I need to get through it, graduate, and be able to provide for my husband a whole lot better than I am able to right now.
Since I have been procrastinating, getting my school stuff ready, all day.. I suppose I should go get a move on it right now.

Ridding regret

Now that spring semester has finished, and I have a couple of weeks off before summer classes start, I have had some extra free time. Time to go fishing with Tony. That is always the highlight of our summers. Time to catch up on cleaning the apartment. Time to catch up on laundry. Too much time to think. Lately I have been thinking about Aunt Marie. I haven't had a visit with her since she was admitted at the hospital I work at. Ever since she went to the nursing home I haven't gone to visit with her. I haven't been able to find the courage to choke back my tears, get in the car, and drive to her. Until tonight.
The last few weeks I have been walking around with a weight of guilt on my chest. The more I thought about Aunt Marie, and stopped myself from visiting her, the heavier it would get. Today, after I got home from work, I sat down and thought long and hard about my decision to not visit her just because I can't handle it. I realized how unfair and selfish I am being. I also realized that time isn't going to stop, or even slow down, and wait for me to get up the strength to face her. She is dying and the clock keeps ticking. I think about the regret and guilt that I live with everyday for not seeing my Pepere as much as I should have or could have. Do I really want to double that?? No. I don't. Which is why I went to visit Aunt Marie tonight.
When I got to the nursing home and found a place to park, I couldn't get out of the car. I sat there.. scared. Terrified of how much worse she may look since the last time I saw her. Worried that she may have gotten so bad that she wouldn't be able to recognize who I am. I sat in my car and cried. After about 10 minutes, or what felt like an eternity, I pulled myself together. Wiped my tears away. And went inside. I walked into her room to find her sleeping. I was so thankful for that. I hadn't even thought about what I'd say to her if she had been awake. She's dying.. so what good would it do to ask her how she's doing?? I stood at the foot of her bed and began to sob again. Only for a minute though, in fear that she'd hear me and wake up. I sat down in a chair near her bed and just stared at her. Wondering why or how something so horrible could happen to such a wonderful woman. That's when she slightly opened her eyes. I smiled and waved to her. Her eyes closed and she fell back asleep. I had to fight the urge to run out of her room and burst into tears. Her eyes opened again.. this time completely. She looked at me.. smiled.. and reached out to me for a hug. We chit chatted for about 30 minutes and then an awkward silence set in. I told her I had to go home and make dinner and that I would be back tomorrow morning. I don't really want to go. I hate seeing her like this. But if I don't go, then I'd be lying. Lying to my aunt that used to be a nun. As I leaned over to give her a hug, she pulled me in close and told me how great it was to see me. I could even hear it in her voice. It meant alot to her. And that made me cry even more when I got back to my car.
I keep asking my Pepere to give me the strength I need to get through these tough times. It's so hard letting go, but I know that I will have one more angel watching over me when she passes. Another angel to watch over me, guide me, and help me through all the tough times ahead.

I passed!

I just found out my final grades in A&P I and Statistics. In A&P I needed a total of 930 points (out of 1,000) to get an A. My final grade of 961 points has made me more than happy! I passed Stats with a B+. I was kind of hoping to get atleast an A- but I suppose a B+ isn't so bad considering I had to teach myself the material the entire semester. These grades have given me a 3.65 GPA. I'm not thrilled about it since I was able to maintain a 3.8 GPA when I was attending Hesser. But then again I didn't have the stress that I do now... back then my husband was deployed.. which I suppose that doesn't make sense either because a deployment as a newlywed is beyond stressful.
I have two whole weeks off from school before my summer classes start. You would think that I'd enjoy the time off, but instead I have already started looking at the next few chapters for A&P II and I have even started labeling the diagrams in my lab book for those chapters. I want to be ahead of the game. I want a higher GPA. I want a better job. I want to be a medflight nurse. I want to be great at what I'm good at!

Finals... Finally!!

I never thought that I would see the end of this semester. It couldn't come fast enough. Today I have my A&P lab practical and final exam. It has been stressing me out more than I have realized. My husband was kind enough to point it out to me a few days ago.. and again this morning. When I stopped to think about it, he is absolutely right. I have been snapping at him and biting his head off over minute things. Things that I would normally laugh about. I know that it's no excuse.. but look at everything I have been through the last couple months. My Pepere passed away, I found out my Aunt Marie is dying, and then my Papa ends up in my ER in really rough shape.. all while working 40 hours a week and going to school. It has really done a number on me emotionally and mentally. But atleast my hair has stopped falling out!.. or maybe it hasn't.. but either way I'm ending this semester with what appears to be a full head of hair. Bonus!
I can't wait to have two weeks off from school! That's right. Only two weeks and not the entire summer. I signed up for another two classes. Human Growth & Development and A&P II. I am hoping that if I take A&P II right after A&P I, while everything is (hopefully) still fresh in my mind that it might make the class a tad bit easier. I guess I'll find out soon!!

A down grade and a good grade.

Finally, some good news. Yesterday my Papa got down graded from the CCU to telemetry. His NG tube has been removed and he hasn't had any vomiting since then. He has had two flu swabs done, the first one being positive and the second was negative so as far as I know they are still treating him with flu precautions. He was able to get up out of bed with a one person assist, which is far better than the four person assist he needed when he came into the ER on Monday. Things are looking up for him.
More good news.. I managed to get a 96 on last weeks statistics test, making up for the 73 I got a few weeks ago.
Yesterday I was also able to convince my Nana into coming down to the ER to be checked out to make sure she didn't have the start of a pneumonia or the flu, since she has also been sick for the last couple of weeks. I know she wasn't happy with me for making her do so. And although she'll never admit it, I'm pretty sure she was damning me to hell. But I worry. So if she wants to be mad at me for caring so much, I'm okay with that. All of her test results came back fine. My family and I are finally starting to let out that sigh of relief, and at the same time I'm sure we're all still holding our breath and wondering if or when something else is going to go wrong.

Someone else's turn

I have to make this quick since I have to leave for school in about 15 minutes. Things have not been getting better since my last post. My Papa (the brother of my great aunt that is dying) arrived in the ER I work at yesterday.. while I was working. He was not doing well at all. I'm going to lie.. he had me so scared at one point. The ER physician who I am really good friends with, looked at me and said, "If I have to intubate him, are you okay with that?" I was terrified but knew that I had to keep myself together since my Nana was there in the room. Luckily we avoided intubation, however, he was still admitted to the CCU with pneumonia related sepsis and an upper GI bleed. I went to see him this morning and he looked a lot better than he did yesterday. The stress just keeps piling up on my plate. I just keep asking myself when will be someone else's turn?