Now that spring semester has finished, and I have a couple of weeks off before summer classes start, I have had some extra free time. Time to go fishing with Tony. That is always the highlight of our summers. Time to catch up on cleaning the apartment. Time to catch up on laundry. Too much time to think. Lately I have been thinking about Aunt Marie. I haven't had a visit with her since she was admitted at the hospital I work at. Ever since she went to the nursing home I haven't gone to visit with her. I haven't been able to find the courage to choke back my tears, get in the car, and drive to her. Until tonight.
The last few weeks I have been walking around with a weight of guilt on my chest. The more I thought about Aunt Marie, and stopped myself from visiting her, the heavier it would get. Today, after I got home from work, I sat down and thought long and hard about my decision to not visit her just because I can't handle it. I realized how unfair and selfish I am being. I also realized that time isn't going to stop, or even slow down, and wait for me to get up the strength to face her. She is dying and the clock keeps ticking. I think about the regret and guilt that I live with everyday for not seeing my Pepere as much as I should have or could have. Do I really want to double that?? No. I don't. Which is why I went to visit Aunt Marie tonight.
When I got to the nursing home and found a place to park, I couldn't get out of the car. I sat there.. scared. Terrified of how much worse she may look since the last time I saw her. Worried that she may have gotten so bad that she wouldn't be able to recognize who I am. I sat in my car and cried. After about 10 minutes, or what felt like an eternity, I pulled myself together. Wiped my tears away. And went inside. I walked into her room to find her sleeping. I was so thankful for that. I hadn't even thought about what I'd say to her if she had been awake. She's dying.. so what good would it do to ask her how she's doing?? I stood at the foot of her bed and began to sob again. Only for a minute though, in fear that she'd hear me and wake up. I sat down in a chair near her bed and just stared at her. Wondering why or how something so horrible could happen to such a wonderful woman. That's when she slightly opened her eyes. I smiled and waved to her. Her eyes closed and she fell back asleep. I had to fight the urge to run out of her room and burst into tears. Her eyes opened again.. this time completely. She looked at me.. smiled.. and reached out to me for a hug. We chit chatted for about 30 minutes and then an awkward silence set in. I told her I had to go home and make dinner and that I would be back tomorrow morning. I don't really want to go. I hate seeing her like this. But if I don't go, then I'd be lying. Lying to my aunt that used to be a nun. As I leaned over to give her a hug, she pulled me in close and told me how great it was to see me. I could even hear it in her voice. It meant alot to her. And that made me cry even more when I got back to my car.
I keep asking my Pepere to give me the strength I need to get through these tough times. It's so hard letting go, but I know that I will have one more angel watching over me when she passes. Another angel to watch over me, guide me, and help me through all the tough times ahead.
