2012: A painful journey and road to recovery.

 

Although I'm anxious about what lies ahead, I'm relieved that 2012 will soon be in the past. I'm ready to get off this emotional rollercoaster ride. I know that everything has happened for a reason even though I have yet to figure out what those reasons are.  What I do know is that 2012 has taught me more about myself than any other year.  With the door closing on the this chapter of my life, I have done more reflecting and soul searching than I ever have before in hopes that I'll finally find peace within myself. And as much as I want to forget everything about this past year, I know it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Hoping that this will help me heal, I'm ready to open my heart to anyone who cares.

In 2012..
I felt: Loved by people who know nothing about me, Hated by those closest to me, Rejected by the people I care so deeply about, Used by those who I've tried to help, Betrayed by the people I once trusted, Lonely although not alone, Hurt by those who promised to protect me from pain, and Worthless to myself.

I had: Everything and nothing but never at the same time, Determination when life got too hard, Motivation when I wanted to give up, Pity on those who tried to break me down because they couldn't handle their own struggles.

I wanted: Revenge on everyone who hurt me, to be Held when I couldn't stand to look at my own reflection, to Give up when I was too tired to keep fighting.

I lost: Faith in myself when I failed to live up to my own expectations of myself.

I found: the Strength to wake up each morning and continue living even when I had nothing left to live for.

I regret: Giving so much of myself to those who didn't deserve it.

I learned: to Guard my heart because no one else will and I'm worth so much more than being repeatedly hurt, the people I would take a Bullet for were the ones behind the trigger, that I can't Expect things to be the same after so much has changed, that Healing is not an overnight process and that it's a daily cleansing of pain, that Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny, Failure will keep me humble, Success will keep me glowing, New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings, Challenges make life interesting and overcoming them makes life meaningful, to not allow myself to get Burned twice by the same flame, and to keep on Dreaming even if it breaks my heart.

I hope: to find Happiness in the future.

Another day, another year

 

Another day is almost over and I'm another year older.  The entire week leading up to today has sucked ass, kind of like the last eleven months of my life.  Papa was admitted to the hospital again last week. After ten years of hard work, I quit my job.  Walking out of that place with my head held high and my personal integrity seemed like the better road to take.  Meanwhile, Tony knew about all of this going on in my life, and he found that it was an appropriate time to ask me how I'd feel if he started dating someone.  Personally, I don't care at this point considering it's the same reason why everything fell apart back in January.  I just didn't want to hear about it at this point in time because it's just one more shitty thought that's going to bounce around in my head for hours upon hours, sinking me deeper and deeper into this sea of depression that I'm struggling to get myself out of lately.  And of course I spent my birthday at clinical again this year while mother nature switched it up a little bit and brought me some snow.  Oh yeah, and I'm basically getting kicked out again, only this time Tony was nice enough to give me a warning.  He can't afford this place so he's going to find somewhere smaller and cheaper to live after the semester is over.  I sure as hell can't afford this place on my own, so now I'm screwed.  Once the semester is over I will have to hunt for a job while I look for a roof to put over my head with no money.  Awesome, just where I wanted to be in life at 28 years old.. sitting alone in this cold, quiet apartment with nothing left to hold on to.

Stay strong

Yup. Right in the middle of working on my nursing careplans and didn't even bat an eyelash. In fact, I'm already over it.

You don't get to roll over and die, not this time.

 

If my own family doesn't stress me out enough, between health issues and deaths, my patients will gladly fill in for them.  Tonight I helped take care of a lady (who was only 10 years my senior) and she was very critcal condition, to the point where I was even scared as to which direction the situation was going to go in.  This lady looked me right in the eyes, as I was leaning over her to hook up the cardiac monitor, and said, "If I die, please tell my husband and my baby that I love them." It felt like someone punched me right in the gut and knocked the wind right out of me. I didn't know what to say to her. I found myself struggling to collect some sort of words in my head that would just fall out of my face in an effort to reassure this woman that everything was going to be okay. I couldn't agree to do what this lady was asking of me so that she could just give up, roll over, and die. Not this time, not on our watch. If I'm willing to fight to save her then she has to do the same, because even in the darkest of moments, there is always hope. So how did I handle the situation? I went all Grey's Anatomy on her ass with, "No, I won't do that, because you are going to be okay and you are going to tell them yourself. They would rather hear it from you, not me."  And then I crossed my fingers and prayed that those last words I said to her, wouldn't be a lie.
When nursing school starts to overwhelm me and giving up starts to sound more and more like a better idea.. it's the moments like this that remind me of why I started this journey in the first place. I will not let fear of failure consume me. I will live out my calling.

Three places at one time

The story of my life. Two funerals, on the same day, with an MD appointment to go to in between it all. Being in three different places at roughly the same time isn't easy and I did the best that I could. Rest in peace my loved ones, you are forever relieved from your suffering.

Beautiful people don't just happen.

The most beautiful people we know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people don't just happen. They are molded by hardships and always find the strength to go on.

I'm screwed

 

 

I'm getting far too old for this whole lack of sleep business. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to go back to school? I should've had this shit done a long, long time ago when I was too young to be responsible and still had an immune system that was willing to work on a regular basis. Now I'm battling pneumonia along with full time work and full time school.. and we're only three weeks into the semester. Yeah, I'm screwed. But I'm not giving in and grabbing my ankles quite yet.

My life is so vanilla

Today was the first day of nursing school, as a senior, and the last day of purple hair. I am currently experiencing a little bit of situational depression.

 

I can pull off almost anything, but it doesn't mean I'll enjoy such a vanilla life. I already miss being rainbow brite :(

Some things will never change

 

With school just around the corner, of course I got a phone call from my mother yesterday, to let me know that my grandfather was on his way to my ER. Apparently he fell in the garage and instead of calling an ambulance, my grandmother spent an hour trying to rally the neighbors to help her pick him up. To make a long story short, his troponin was 0.13, indicative for myocardial injury. Basically, he either had a mild heart attack that caused him to fall or he gave himself a mild heart attack by struggling to get up off the floor for an hour. I'm pretty sure the two of them will send me to an early grave and outlive everyone else. I'm not ready for this kind of stress again!

Give them something to talk about

 

Sometimes I find myself to be extremely amusing. I'm sure some people would disagree and find my (sometimes vulgar) sense of humor to be utterly obnoxious and inappropriate at times. But that's how I am. For most of my life I have been the type of person who enjoys testing limits, questioning authority, and getting reactions out of people. So why stop now, right? As a nursing student we are expected to look and act professional. I can do that, but for the first day of class I won't. As senior nursing students, we will have a new batch of teachers. First impressions are everything and for me, that's fair game to be inappropriate or obnoxious. Which is why I plan on showing up, the first day of my senior year with tattoos exposed, facial piercings in, and freshly dyed purple hair.

 

 

"People are always going to talk, so give them something to talk about."

This summer..

Many people have asked about what's going on or what has happened in my personal life the last six months. Yes, I was homeless for 2 months (the details of what led up to this will remain personal). In the mean time, the roommate he brought in, to replace me, turned out to be a heroin addict and stole $4,000 worth of my stuff and pawned it for $120.  This kid stole all my Louis Vuitton bags (including my $1,500 white Louis), most of my Coach bags/wallets, a Dooney & Bourke bag/wallet, my gold jewelry, and a set of rims. Don't ever fuck with a girl and her handbags. Found them at a pawn shop in Nashua and reported it to the officer in Pelham who then contacted Nashua PD to go and retrieve my stuff for evidence and a copy of the receipt that Glenn got when he pawned everything. Long story short, this kid now has a class A felony theft warrant to go with the 12 other existing warrants in MA. Now we just need to wait for him to screw up so they can arrest him. With the class A felony theft warrant he can be caught anywhere in New England and be extradited back to NH. So, if anyone knows him and/or might know where he is, please let your local PD know where they can happily pick his ass up:

Glenn was supposed to pay half of the rent while he was there and he never did, so Tony fell a total of $1,000 behind on rent and on the verge of being kicked out with my dogs still living there. Again, long story short, I'm living back at the apartment and using the spare bedroom. I'm not entirely sure what direction we're going but things have been civil despite all the feelings of bitterness and anger I still hang onto. However, I refuse to do another semester of nursing school while living in a car.

Speaking of school, I can't believe there's only 2 weeks left until it starts up again. This summer has reminded what having fun is actually like. I've stayed out all night and slept all day. This summer I made some new friends, spent time with old friends, and filtered out negative friends.

 

 

 

 



 

It's been fun and I don't want it to end, but I'm ready to move forward and finish school. I'm going to do great things with my life.

1 more year.

I don't know how, but I did it. I've been homeless for the last two months and I've managed to hang on to my full time job and pass the second semester of nursing school. Not to mention taking on Pharmacology along with my actual nursing class. I didn't achieve the A's I normally do, but I'm happy with where I stand. I am officially a senior nursing student.

I want to give up

I haven't had a home for almost 4 weeks now.  It's starting to get old.  I've been trying to find an apartment, but work and school has been consuming all of my time and sucking me dry of what little physical, mental, and emotional energy I have left.  I won't settle for anywhere that doesn't allow dogs and that's making it more difficult to find a place to live.  But those three little darlings are my world.
Last night I hit my breaking point for the second time.  I began thinking about the way my life has turned out. Five years ago, I didn't have everything, but I had enough to be happy with.  Life was good.  Now I'm struggling to find meaning for my existance.  If I can't find meaning for my own life, what's the point of continuing to put one foot in front of the other?  I want to give up.  This doesn't mean that I want to die.  I'm just exhausted.  I feel like: My brain is too fried to get me through the rest of school; My eyes are too lifeless to allow me to enjoy all the beauty of life that surrounds me; And my heart is too cold to ever be able to love again.
My life is no longer full of the routine questions of what to wear or what to watch on TV.  Instead, I'm constantly wondering how I'm going to make it through the night or where's the safest place for me to park.
I want to give up, but I won't.  Success is the best revenge.  Rock bottom is good, solid ground and a dead end street is good place to turn around.

Damaged.

Although my marriage has been falling apart since January, for some reason I still didn't see it coming. A divorce. I can't get into the details because I just don't have the energy within me to think or talk about it any more.  I need to take the scarce amount of energy I have left and pour every last bit into my studies. This emotional rollercoaster has distracted me for far too long. I've realized that if I let all these emotions consume me, he wins. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is your only option. I know that all the strength in the world may never remove the "damaged" label that I've been stamped with, but I'm okay with that. Damaged people are the most dangerous, because we know that we can survive.

"Now we see that everything we have and everything we lack is exactly what we need. Every single day and everything we've made has put us in this place in just this way."

Chaos.

I apologize for my disappearance, but my life has been exetremely chaotic.

From miss mantown to nursing student

Here we go again with these "self care deficit r/t nursing school

 m/b busy days, lots of studying, lack of sleep, and

not enough coffee in the world" kinds of days.

Yesterday was the first day of second semester and I'm already completely drained. There's already sooo much that needs to be done and I feel so unorganized.  I probably won't develop a system until at least next week.  So for now I have scribbles in note books and memos plastered everywhere of things I need to remember to do.

I suppose it's not a good sign either that in one reminder I listed coffee four times.  It'll most likely be the only thing that gets me through the next 15 weeks!

On the work side of things.. I had quite the moment on Monday.  We received a patient via ambulance.  I normally try to get in the room right away so I can assist EMS with getting the patient settled into our stretcher.  As I was standing there, the EMT looks at me and says, "You look really familiar." So we played the whole 'where are you from' game.  Despite our efforts we couldn't figure it out.  About five minutes later, on his way out of the ER, he poked his head into the room and said, "I got it. WAAF." I felt my face turn ten shades of red as I doubled over laughing.  Back in November of 2005 I had gone to WAAF and tried out for Miss Mantown 2006.

Because I had more class than all of the other girls who tried out, by keeping my pictures tasteful, I never ended up winning.  The pictures were still posted on the website for a while though.  I could not believe that someone actually recognized me, six and a half years later.  I figured it has to be one of three things: a) He has a super photographic memory. b) The photos are still posted online in some archive that I'm not aware of. c) He has them saved on his computer.  Whatever the case may be, I guess you could say I'm a little flattered.



I'm too young to be a grandmother

As you all know, we are proud parents of three wonderful little dogs. However, that number may increase in the next couple months.  Simba (our male chihuahua papillon) and Sadie (our female chihuahua) are not fixed.  I've been hesitant on this issue because I always toy with the idea of breeding them once nursing school is over.  At night and when we aren't home, we keep them kenneled separately.  They are never let out unless Tony or myself is around to supervise.  Well, that plan went out the window real fast last week.  While I was at work (finishing my 4 work days from hell) last Monday on the 9th, Tony left the room for two minutes to grab something to drink.  When he came back into the living room, he found that Simba had mounted Sadie and was locked into her.  There was no stopping it.

(Simba)

(Sadie)

If she is pregnant, we will have little to no time to prepare since dogs only carry for 61-64 days.  I guess I could always hold L&D clinicals, for nursing school, at my place! It's still way too early to know for sure (only 9 days).  So I guess we'll just have to hurry up and wait to find out.

You want to Propofol me... on Friday the 13th?!?

Of course I would have surgery yesterday.. on Friday the 13th.  I told my doctor that I didn't want any sedation and for him to just numb the surgical site and do what he has to do.  Why would I want anesthesia on a day like yesterday?  With the way things go in my life, why would I want to push my luck?  Well, turns out they thought it would be best to give me some propofol... yes, Michael Jackson juice.  As they wheeled me into the operating room, I remember sitting up, clutching the side rails of the stretcher, and saying, "You're going to give me Jackson juice on Friday the 13th.. are you nuts?!"

I was also afraid they weren't going to realize how little I am.  Thanks to last weekend's insanely hectic work events and lack of time to put food in my belly.. I have lost weight.

Which is one pound less than what I weighed last week for my pre-op testing.

Which is less than the 92-94 pounds I'm usually able to maintain.



I remember being strapped to the OR table and the anesthesiologist leaning over me and telling me that she just started the meds.  Before I knew it my right hand was on FIRE!  It hurt so bad.  So, of course I had to wiggle my hand out from under all the blankets they had on me so I could look at my IV and make sure it didn't infiltrate.  I remember talking and talking.... and talking some more to all the OR staff... not exactly sure what the heck I was saying though.  I remember constantly looking up and over my right shoulder so that I could see and monitor my own vital signs... just incase they gave me too much propofol?  Either way, I made it out alive and well.  I did just fine all day long and most of the night.. until my husband kicked me in his sleep.  He kicked me right square in the surgical site.  I know he didn't mean to and I know it was an accident.. but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  I'm still determined to make it to work on Monday.  I'll be fine.

Two of the worst work days

I was only able to sleep in until 8:30 this AM.  I am disappointed about this.  I thought, for sure, that I'd end up sleeping all day long after the weekend I've had.  In four days, I had 2 of the worst work days in my nine years of employment at the hospital.  Saturday, there was no secretary scheduled at 11am.  Of course I got tossed into it since I was already there.  At 3pm, I had to remain on the desk to help a new secretary.  It was very, very busy.  The department was completely full.  As 6pm rolled around, I was so excited to be getting out of there in one hour.  That's when we got the call on the ambulance line that a STEMI (aka heart attack) was on the way in.  I immediately activated the stemi page system and made sure that an ER doc was aware of the situation.  About one minute before the ambulance arrived with the patient, the ambulance line rang again... another STEMI on the way in.  Never in my life have I seen or heard of 2 simultaneous stemi's.  We've had a handful of back to back stemi's, but never 2 at the same time. I immediately called the stemi doctor and asked if he wanted me to try and contact the second ambulance and try to divert them to another facility.  I was hoping he'd agree to my great idea.  No such luck.  He informed me that he was the only interventionalist on call and that he'd assess both patients in our ER.  The cardiologist determined that both patients were, in fact, having a heart attack and he was able to contact another local interventionalist who, wasn't on call, but agreed to go to our neighboring hospital and cath the second patient.  So with another local ambulance on standby in our ER, we had them package up the second patient and transport him to the other hospital.  Both patients were stented and are doing much better now.
Yesterday was the last of my 4 day stretch.  The department was full all day long, with 20-30 people in the waiting room at any given time throughout my twelve hour shift.  Around 2pm is when complete chaos hit as we received a cardiac arrest from one local ambulance company.  Unfortunately, the patient didn't survive.  Then we received a woman who had a pneumothorax and required a chest tube.  I tried, for almost three hours, to do post mortem care on the code patient so that we could free up a spot in the trauma room.  Another failed attempt at that when another ambulance came in with a baby who had a febrile seizure and began seizing again.  I heard the nurse's call for help and immediately ran to see if there was anything I could do to help.  Our ER doc took the initiative to pull a stable patient out of a room so that we could get the baby on the monitor as he would not stop seizing this time.  As I used the ambu bag as an oxygen blow-by, the seizure eventually stopped and the baby became post-ictal... and then stopped breathing.  He turned gray and limp right in front of our eyes.  We began bagging him, checked for a pulse (which he never lost), and yelled for the doctor.  Our quick responses helped get the baby breathing on his own again.  We all stood there with the doctor, holding our breath, and looking at the monitor to make sure vital signs were stable.  I happened to be the only one to look down at the baby and at that very same moment he started to vomit, filling the ambu mask.  Without thinking, my hands sprung out in front of me, grabbed the baby, and rolled him onto his side... which saved the baby from choking and/or aspirating.  I can't remember what happened next but I found myself kneeling on the stretcher, with the baby's back against my leg (which was keeping him on his side in case he threw up again) while I, once again, supplied O2 blow-by with the ambu bag.  The doctor even said, "You know it's a bad situation when Stacie is on a patient's bed."  The situation became bad enough that we intubated the baby and medflighted him to a Boston hospital.  After we loaded the baby in the chopper, it was time for me to go home, but not before I cleaned up the mess that we made while treating the baby.  At 7:30pm I was overdue and ready to punch out.  As I went to gather my coat, a paramedic came around the corner, stopped when she saw me, and said, "We need respiratory and a crash cart now!"  A patient was in respiratory distress and had to be intubated.  I didn't leave work until almost 9pm.
I'm thankful the last four days are over but I wish I had gotten more sleep.. Lord knows I could use it.

Don't set yourself up for failure.

Here we are again. The first day of a brand new year. All people have talked about is what their new year's resolution is going to be.  However, I am still undecided.  I never even made one last year. I do think they are kind of pointless.  Most people don't even try or they just fall back into their old habits.  So what's the point?? I have enough goals in my life right now that will keep me occupied for quite some time.  I know I could say that I will eat better this year but let's be honest.. I work full time and I'm a nursing student.  If it's not coffee then it's not in my diet.  I could always quit smoking, but I know I need to tackle that one when I'm absolutely good and ready to kick the habit because I want to be successful with it.  I could start working out... oh wait.. I work in an ER where I'm constantly running around and I'm a nursing student with 40 pounds of books to carry.
Reaching a goal can be stressful.  Is that really the way to start a new year??  Why not try to eliminate the stress from your life?? That sounds like a good one to me.  I think I may have just come up with a new year's resolution.  I'm not going to let people get under my skin.  It's always been the stupidity, laziness, and rudeness of people that I can't stand.  They piss me off.  One would think that all the deaths I've been surrounded by over the last two years would have me stressed out.  But they don't.  It makes no sense if you really think about it... I have to be surrounded by idiots all over the place every day and I can't stand it.  And oddly enough, I rarely cried when the people who I care about most had passed away.  I was strangely at peace with the fact that I will never see those people again.  How weird am I?? So that's what I'm going to do... I'm going to let go of the stress that stupid people cast upon me so that I may have the energy to show emotion to the people I care about.