I'm not crazy

It's rather obvious that I can't sort my thoughts out enough to be able to blog about something solid.  Things are just plain hectic for me lately.  For example, yesterday I got out of class to find out Tony had left a plate of food in the car for me so I would have something for lunch.  I didn't even bother to eat it right away.  I knew that 2pm was right around the corner which is when alot of students get out of class and head home.  There's only one parkinglot exit at the school.  So that means traffic gets backed up big time.  Well, I had stuff to do and I refused to be stuck in traffic.  So I positioned the plate on the passenger seat so that the pasta salad wouldn't go tumbling off.  I managed to eat the sandwich while on the road, and surprisingly enough I didn't spill any on me.  I had to go to Rite Aid to pick up a couple prescriptions.  So of course once I got there I didn't bother to sit for a minute and eat.  Instead, I brought the plate of food in with me.  As I proceeded to shovel the food down my throat, everyone felt the need to stare at me as they walked by.  I got the, "Wow, she must be a crazy person," kind of stares.  Did they not see the scrubs embroidered with Nashua Community College Nursing??  I'm a busy college student, people!  I have care plans to write, exams to study for, and I'm starving!  There isn't enough time in a day for me to get everything done so I do the best I can to try and make it work.  I swear I'm not crazy.  One might beg to differ on that though.  The other day I definitely tried to pour coffee into my Fiji water bottle before I started to empty the dishwasher by putting the clean dishes into the fridge.  I'm sticking to my story though.  I am a sane person who just has a lot on her mind and can't think clearly about anything unrelated to nursing... at least I hope that's the case.

I'm disappointed in me

Wow, has it really been almost one week since my last post?!  Lame excuse, but I've been busy trying to keep up with everything.  Ever since the 71 I got, on last Friday's lecture exam, I have been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.  We had a lab exam on Tuesday, which I scored a 92 on.  However, the 71 still resides in the back of my mind.  I am disappointed in myself.  I refuse to give up though.  It's just fuel for the fire.

Aside from crappy exam scores, our hygiene projects, care plans, and outlines mixed with the 32 hour work weeks have been eating up all of my time as well as all my energy.  As much as I wanted to stay on track with my routines, I decided to let myself sleep in this morning.  Of course my idea of sleeping in on a Saturday is far different than most peoples' idea of sleeping in.  I was awake and out of bed at 7am rather than the usual 5am.  I'm crazy.  I know.

Now that you all know how horrible I'm doing in school, it's time for me to get back to studying.  Hygiene projects are being presented on Monday and we have another lecture exam on Friday.  Hopefully the next post will be a little more uplifting than this one.

I'm a Soldier's wife..

It's been a long weekend.  It's been an even longer weekend for Tony.  His PTSD has been getting to him.. luckily he's strong and he hasn't let it get the best of him.  He just can't seem to shake the bad dreams.  He talked to me in his sleep Friday night.  More specifically, he quizzed me in his sleep.  He asked me questions only I would know the answers to.  Come to find out, in his dream (or maybe nightmare is a better word) he was fighting a bunch of Iraqis.. and they were all look alikes of me.  Even in his sleep, the poor guy was afraid that the person beside him could potentially be out to get him.  He can get mad at me all he wants for sharing this, but I feel like people need to know what our military goes through.  They don't spend 14 months in a war zone and come home completely unchanged.  Everything may seem fine and dandy from the outside, but inside their mind.. life is a constant battle.  I am fortunate that his PTSD isn't as severe as it could be.  He hasn't turned into an alcoholic, he doesn't beat me, and he doesn't kick the dogs.  I'm okay with that, but he still suffers.. and that still hurts me.  Sometimes it's easier to protect people who are a physical danger to themselves.  But how do you protect someone from their own mind or subconscious??  I know when he is physically around me, he is more at ease.  However, I go to school 3 days out of the week and go to work another 3 days out of the week.. I feel like I'm not a very good wife even though I know that I am.  You can call that being conceited if you want, but a bad wife would walk away.  I haven't and I won't.

I have a bad habit of rambling before I get to my point with these damn posts.  I'm not airing our dirty laundry just for giggles.  I just want my husband to find some sort of solace in his suffering.  I want him to know that he isn't alone and there are other soldiers out there going through the same thing.. or maybe it's me that is search of solace.  If there is anyone out there going through the same things, please get in touch with me.  Please, help me help my husband.

Have mercy on us!

Holy hell am I tired!  I don't know how I managed to stay awake the past two days at work, or how I even made the drive home from work!  And now I have to sit through a few hours of lecture and then take an exam.  Oh boy am I in trouble!  I'm so sleep deprived my eyes literally hurt.  It feels like someone is inside my head, relentlessly yanking away on a noose that is wrapped tightly around each of my eyeballs.

As for this exam today.. I am beyond nervous about it.  I hate taking first exams with new teachers.  They all have such very different testing styles.  We were told it will closely resemble the layout of the NCLEX, which is nice to know, but what kinds of questions are going to be on this exam?  I have bad luck of studying what I think is important and the teachers end up putting everything that I didn't study on the exams.  With this being the first (of many) this semester, I'm hoping she will have a little bit of mercy on us!

Little things and things with long legs.

Monday evening, Tony and I had to run to the store to get some more dog food for the pups.  As we stepped outside, we startled some more unannounced guests (we get a lot of those around here).  They took off running, if that's what you call it, and paraded through the neighbor's drive away.

I found them all to be rather cute.  Tony, on the other hand, wanted to let our other neighbor know about them because he has a turkey hunting license.  I finally convinced him to just leave them alone.  Most of them were little babies.  I would've felt awful.  Yeah I know.. what do we eat at Thanksgiving?  But I don't have to sit there and watch the turkey die at Thanksgiving.

Last night, the moon was beautiful.  I couldn't help but stand there and stare at it.



The only thing that was able to distract me, was our shadows, from the front light being on.  I noticed that my shadow had the legs that I've always wished for, but will never have.  Yup, I was jealous of my own shadow.  How weird, huh?

Happy 5 Year Anniversary

‎Five years is a long time. Long enough to make plenty of mistakes, to regret things we did or didn't do, to pull through sadness and try to find happiness, to push people away, hurt the ones we love. So many things that we all wish we could go back and do differently.. Not me though. five years with my best friend isn't something I would be willing to change. Not a single moment of it.. From deployment right down to this very second. My 5 years has been the best journey of my life.



Who would've ever thought we'd make it this far?  I know plenty of people had their doubts.  And with the deployment four days later.. I'm sure we both had doubts for a split second.  Our first year of marriage was such challenge.  All the letting go we had to do.  The sleeping alone.  Constantly wondering if each other was okay.  It was hard.. really hard.  But we held it together.



I remember, so vividly, what it was like to have to let you go.  It's not something I ever want to do again, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  It made us strong.  It taught us to appreciate the true meaning of love always.

We have learned that absense makes the heart grow fonder.. but I also learned that absense rips a gaping hole in my heart.  What I like most, of the things we've learned, is that good things come to those who wait and great things come to those who wait for their true love for 432 days of heart wrenching separation.



Five years later, I'm still by your side.. and in 100 more years, I'll still be right here.  Happy anniversary to my love, my soldier, my heart, and my hero.  Happy anniversary to my wonderful husband.

Back to routine life

I was finally able to attend a study group yesterday, which was beyond helpful.  Having to work twelve hour shifts every other weekend really hinders my ability to participate in such things.  So I was more than thrilled when Robyn opened her home to all of us.
Last night, my boys decided to take turns playing their own version of 'Where's Waldo' with me.  If they could name their game, I think they would probably call it 'Mama you can't see me' or something close to that nature.

And today is the day after the ten year anniversary of 09/11.  And today we will return to normal and go about our business.. just like almost all of us did ten years ago.  The exception being New York who began picking up the pieces the next day.  The rest of us went to work, went to school, or went to wherever it was that we needed to be.  Are we the only country who does that after every disaster that touches our beautiful land?  We did it even with hurricane Irene.  Unless of course you were a part of the unfortunate ones who had pieces to pick up.  Don't get me wrong, we are huge on helping eachother clean up after any and every disaster, but we all have that "It is what it is and life goes on" kind of attitude.  We, Americans, are pretty damn strong.  It blows my mind.  I am proud to call this country my home.
It's my turn now, to return to normal, go about my business, and head off to school.

No title is necessary.

I can remember exactly where I was ten years ago.  Sitting in my Comprehensive American Studies Class.  Who doesn't remember where they were or what they were doing?  I remember the classroom I was in, the layout of the room, my teachers, and the students.  Ask anyone, of appropriate age, what they were doing on this day, ten years ago and I will put money on it that they can give exact details.  I suppose what I'm getting at is why do we need all these pictures and logos that say Never Forget?  How do you forget such a horrible thing?  We are all tied to the actual 9/11 event in one way or another, including myself.  I didn't know anyone who died that day nor was I there to see it with my own eyes.  I wasn't tied to the event until five years later when I was preparing to marry a soldier.  When the anniversary of 9/11 rolls around each year, it's the victims, the firefighters, and the police officers that are talked about.  I'm not knocking their right to be honored by any means.  However, wasn't a war declared shortly after?  What about those men and women?  I spent the first year of my marriage alone because of 9/11.  And many families have lost loved ones over seas because of 9/11.  There's been times when I have over heard people talking and one says, "Oh yeah, I forgot that there is a war going on."  I should probably make my point before this post becomes controversial.  Today, when you take a moment of silence to honor all the lives that were lost ten years ago, please take an extra moment of silence to honor our military.. those who have served in the past, those who are presently serving, and those who will serve in the future.  They don't deserve any less honor just because they did not die on 9/11/01.

It's the life of a nursing student

After three days of having to sprint to my car in the morning so I don't get soaked, I can finally take my time today.  It's not raining and I'm loving it!

More good news, med math grades were posted on blackboard yesterday and I passed!  I didn't get a 100, which naturally has me a little bummed.  However, I'm forcing myself to be positive about it, I passed it on the first try and now I can give meds during clinical.  What a relief!
Triple good news, I have the weekend off.  I'm really liking the idea of being able to sleep in.  I doubt I will though.  My brain is in overload and it wants to function 24/7.  I haven't been studying as much as I should the last couple of nights.

Yes, believe it or not, the picture above is a light load of studying.  I have so much to do and so much to prepare for, that I will probably end up being sprawled out all over the living room floor this weekend.

There's something else on my mind, as I sit here in my car, staring at the empty school parking lot.  I'm obsessed with being mega early to school.  I like to get here about an hour before class starts.  This seems to upset Tony. 

I have explained, to him, my reasons for being so early, and he still doesn't understand, which makes me upset.  I feel like he isn't grasping how important nursing school is for me.  I can't afford to be stuck in traffic and arrive late to class.  My professors are constantly stressing how vital it is that we are on time.  I need to prove my dedication to nursing school while it's still early in the semester, so that when (or if) something crucial does happen, my instructors may be a little more willing to cut me some slack.  I know that Tony is frustrated with how little time we've had to spend with eachother.  I'm always at work, at school, studying, or going to bed early due to complete exhaustion.  I have worked my butt off to get to where I'm at, and I'm not about let it slip through my fingers this far into it.  I know that this hectic schedule of mine is temporary and I have to do whatever it takes to make it through nursing school so that Tony and I can have our own family and live the life we've been dreaming of.  I just wish I could get him to understand that a little bit better.  I feel as if his frustration with me and my routine is a lack of support.  I know that's the farthest thing from the truth.  He is my biggest fan (aside from my mom of course).  I just wish he would show it a little more often.  I need his understanding and support, now, more than ever.

Exam number two.

More rain this morning.  Urgh!  This is crazy.  I guess I should be thankful that at least it's not snow, considering this is New England and anything is possible.
I was supposed to work at 7am today, but thanks to last week's hurricane and the first day of school being canceled, our ATI critical thinking test was rescheduled to today.  So now I have to drive all the way to Nashua, to be at school for an hour and a half, to take an exam that will determine if I am able to think critcally.  So in order to make up the hours I will miss at work, I will be playing secretary from 3pm-7pm.  And to make my life more difficult, I haven't had to work the desk since we upgraded the Meditech program we use for entering orders.  My whole day is going to be filled with critical thinking.  I'm so excited.. not really.
Speaking of exams, we won't know our med math test results until Friday the earliest.  I hate waiting for test grades!  I can already feel my hair starting to fall out!  However, on one of the questions, I could not remember the conversion to save my life.  I had no other choice but to make a guess.  Something is better than nothing, right?  I was beyond stressed about it, since I figured my answer would be wrong and we have to get at least nine out of ten questions correct.  And now I knew I had already got one wrong.  However, when I got to my car, I immediately pulled out my conversion chart and looked it up... my guess was correct.  I'm not sure how I pulled that one off, but I'm not going to complain about it.  Now we just have to sit back and wait until our grades are given to us.  I do feel very good about it and that scares me.  We all know, from the past, that when Stacie has a good gut feeling things usually result in the complete opposite.  I'm praying that my gut feelings in nursing school will prove to be different.  Only time will tell.

First test of the semester

I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day.  Unfortunately, I was stuck working twelve hour shifts all weekend as well as yesterday. 

To my disadvantage, I was too exhausted to study by the time I got home and today is our first med math test.  If we don't pass this one, we will be allowed only two more attempts.  If we don't pass any of them.. I'm pretty sure we can consider our nursing education over for this semester.  In order to give medications during our clinical rotations, we have to master med math.  I only work well under pressure when it comes to critical situations in the ER and writing last minute papers for school.  I know how important this test is, today, and I am terrified.  We have to score at least a 90% on it, which isn't very comforting when there is only ten questions.  I guess I will just have to call upon all my angels in heaven and do the best that I can.
Since it is raining this morning, and people don't know how to drive safely when it's anything but sunny out, I am going to cut this post short and head to school.